Cats are the Worst Employees Ever
I am Cat. Everything you see here is mine.
We look familiar, yah? We should, if you follow WeTeachMe on Instagram. As the only two canines at the C-level (puppy power, baby!), we spice up our social feeds, occasionally distract the team (for extra motivation, always!), walk them daily to keep them fit, and make sure they take their meals on time (hey, first we eat and then you!). And so, overall, we make the office a fun, fantastic place to work.
We rule the roost, obviously. But WeTeachMe is an equal opportunity employer, which is why, against our better judgement, we allow the hoomans to hire the occasional cat engineers. They are to stay out of social media, of course, that’s non-negotiable; although they can code like nobody’s business, we’ll give them that.
But just between us, if we had our way, we’d keep the workplace absolutely free of them. Because, in case you didn’t know yet, cats make the WORST employees. Ever.
Cats shed, stink, and have claws. Ugh.
Before you say anything, first of all, dogs don’t ruin furniture; we redecorate. Cats though, they can get so out of control that we’ve had to move addresses. Twice. No joke.
Cats have no concept of personal space.
Cats will sleep on your keyboard and slam your laptop shut without a second thought. (“What? No, I was not reading your emails.”) They’ll swipe your coffee mug off the table, because they spent all night debugging and are feeling extra-nasty. They are even bold enough to steal your lunch - yes, even if you stick a big post-it with your name on it in Comic Sans! Gawd, so entitled!
Cats go through office supplies like they didn’t get the memo.
“Paper. Was yours, now mine.” They just can’t resist it. It’s always rip-rip-rip-rip-rip. The printer is always out of paper; they can’t be bothered to refill it. And worst of all, they don’t even recycle! They hate the environment; don’t let them tell you otherwise.
Cats possess zero work ethic.
Cats think it’s all catnip and games and grooming and weekend parties. Highly improper!
This is a workplace, for Odie’s sake. Everyone needs to observe a proper sense of decorum at all times.
Cats are pure evil.
Cats are the worst office gossips and love to spread fake news (nine lives, my ass). One time, they took the Insta photos from our Fiji getaway, Photoshopped them, and then Slacked them to everyone on the 4th and 5th floors. (Let’s just say there was a rum coke and grass skirt situation. Totally innocent but we still haven’t been able to live that down.) Case in point:
Ohkaaay, very funny. That’s not the right video. Uploaded by one of the catgineers, no doubt. Wise guys. Whoever did this, we’re immediately putting you on notice.
If you need a longer list on why your office needs to have a zero tolerance policy on cats, then we can’t help you.
Postscript: Cats are the worst, dogs are hawt
Mark Kanemura, we’re in love with this little diva and we’re totally obsessed with you!
For more swipes at cats and other furry adventures, follow us on Instagram:
Nanook, Chief Handsomeness Engineer: @nanookcuddlepup
Einstein, Chief Cuteness Officer: @einsteinlefrench
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